My soup

D'après "l'Existentialisme est un humanisme" Sartre

" L'homme est d'abord ce qui se jette vers un avenir et ce qui est conscient de se projeter dans l'avenir."

"Il n'est pas un de nos actes qui, en créant l'homme que nous voulons être, ne crée en même temps une image de l'homme tel que nous estimons qu'il doit être".

" Le sentiment se construit par les actes qu'on fait".

"Choisir le conseilleur, c'est encore s'engager soi-même".

"Il n'y a de réalité que dans l'action".

"Il n'est pas besoin d'espérer pour entreprendre".

"Seule compte la réalité. Les rêves, les attentes, les espoirs permettent seulement de définir un homme comme rêve déçu, comme espoirs avortés, comme attentes inutiles; c'est à dire que ça les définit (les gens) en négatif et non en positif".

"Le destin de l'homme est en lui même".

"La seule chose qui permet à l'homme de vivre c'est l'acte".

"Pour obtenir une vérité quelconque sur moi, il faut que je passe par l'autre. L'autre est indispensable à mon existence, aussi bien d'ailleurs qu'à la connaissance que j'ai de moi. "

Z. misses me. I found his postcard in my box in letter yesterday afternoon. " Lo siento "... It hurted me a little... I had the impression to relive the end of my story with A. Somebody who refuses to give me more, who does not find his place with me. Z. misses me. I bought a postcard for him in Angers. I wanted to send him. And finally it stayed in my Sartre's book. I do not manage to send him. I did'nt write anything on.

I do not know which attitude to have with Z. I miss him, I want to speak to him, to exchange, to share with him. He interests me. 
But at the same time, as soon as I am in contact with him, I cannot refrain from hoping for something which is impossible. And this kind of situation reminds me that I am not interesting enough. This situation reminds  me my past failures. This situation makes me me feel bad because I have the impression of not  beeing x, y or z enough. I have the impression that I miss a heap of things, that I do not deserve more than a friendship. And it is dangerous for me at the moment.

It is difficult because I felt ready to give him  a lot. I had pleasure to surprise him, to write him, taking certain photos by thinking of him. I would have liked making him happy to my way. 

Sweetie thinks that I give too much, too fast. And she is right. 

But I was ready for many things for him. Even if it is strange to want to make it for somebody whom i  do not know. 

I have to harden.

I forgot to say that the fact of having had no internet for a while made  me realized that I was alone to solve my problems. Formerly, it is Alexandre who helped me as soon as I had technique problemes. Then it was A, or others. Finally I was often with a boy who knew there. This time, this problem made  me realized in which point I was alone.I know,  I do not consider my boyfriends as only useful people in case of problems, no at all. It's just that this example was a kind of symbolism that reaveals things more deep. It was thus a difficult moment.

This night I dreamed of A. He said to me that he wanted to begin again with me. I refused because I did not understand what he realy wanted. I answered him that he did not know what he wanted. But it hurt me a lot.

This morning I wake up. The sky is grey outside and the black thoughts return. I feel alone. It is difficult to feel useful when nobody loves you. 
Yesterday I looked N. .Strangely it does not hurt me to see very often this couple. On the contrary. N. is a brilliant boy and it is the proof that good men exist . It restores me a little of hope. He is very thoughtful with P. He is soft and very loving.

Yesterday, in the terrace of this bar I looked at the menaround me and I wondered if I shall manage to fall again lover. I have the impression that none of these men whom I cross could not please me. There is always a detail which hampers me, and I do not even speak about the personality!

There was a man very beautiful and dressed very fashionably, but it is exactly the kind of man  which knows that he is beautiful, which is playing with that, which is superficial, and I hate that.

Other one had some charm with a beautiful smile. But he was thin. And I do not love  thin men . It is not virile. This time it is me who am superficial! ^^

But that is to say that  it is very rare when a man pleases me completely physically.

I alternate between up and in down. I manage to live good moments, to appreciate them, and it is already brilliant. But down are always there, recurring, and very very low, so they sometimes  frightened me a lot.

I had problems with my internet connexion. I was very anguished. At first because it arrived during my revisions and because it hampered me for my researches and for the preparation of the exhibition. Then because I had the impression to be cut by the world and to feel very alone. I realized how much internet was necessary for me. Dad understood. For him, it is the same thing.It is almost his unique link with outside.

P and his boyfriend  came yesterday to help me to restore the connection but when they arrived internet worked again. We drank a beer at home and they showed me the photos of their new flat. Then we went to take a drink  at the R. at the end of afternoon till 23 hours!

It was very pleasant! They are really adorable! The weather was beautiful in terrace. I realized that Pauline became somebody very important for me. This weekend we exchanged of length e-mails. We entrusted much more by e-mail. She shared with me intimate things and her confidence touched me. I also learnt to know her better and I love more and more her personality.

Without knowing it she helps me enormously. Thanks to her, I manage to find of the happiness by my own, through the friendship, readings which she incites me to make, happy moments which we spend to discuss. She knows almost everybody at the  R. thus I cross more world and it is pleasant.

Thanks to her I feel less alone. I manage even to think that I can find happyness only by my own, that I do not need  anybody in my life at present, that I have to reconstruct myself at first.

Yesterday evening Y. worked at the  R. He offered us drinks. It was nice from him. He discussed a little with us. He seems to be  kind and funny . Every time he brought me a drink he said to me:" I did not know if you wanted a straw then I put you two!"

I found that original, moved and funny. Then I found a piece on the ground. I went to give to him but he gave it to me back  with  the date registered above on the marker. I keep it. It makes me laugh.

They are details but they are important. At the moment I feel very alone and the fact of going to a place where people re-know me, where they are nice with me, where I have my customs, is something important.

Cela faisait quelques semaines que je n'avais pas été aussi mal. J'ai horreur de ces moments.

Cette sensation de n'être rien. Rien du tout.
Ce sentiment de vivre comme un robot.
Ces envies qui n'existent plus.
Cette haîne pour soi-même.
L'impression d'être une m..... Que la vie en est une également.
Ces pensées, noires, si noires, qui se répètent sans cesse dans ma tête et que je ne parviens pas à chasser.
La conviction d'être inutile ici. Tellement inutile.
Je ne trouve pas ma place. Comme si j'étais en trop.
La sensation d'être moins bien, d'être nulle, dès que je croise quelqu'un.
Ce grand vide de mon existence....
Cette tristesse de ne pas compter.
Cette certitude de ne pas valoir la peine.
Ce reflet misérable dans la glace chaque matin.
Cette haine de moi même qui s'est marquée sur ma peau, celle ci qui est responsable de ma maladie.
Ce constat que l'on n'est pas suffisamment bien pour être digne d'être aimé, que l'on est pas comme les autres. Pas aussi bien. Tellement moins et que  l'on n'est même pas une femme d'ailleurs!
Mon absence qui ne se remarque pas ou qui s'oublie très vite.
Cette vie de fantôme.

Cette grande lassitude de tout.



Cette lâcheté de ne pas aller jusqu'au bout.

I preferred to wait some time before putting words on it. I needed to think  about it before.
I always lived with it but these last days I felt it in a more intense way.

It's often said that this probleme of self-confidence results paradoxically from a too big ambition.

I explain. The person victim of this problem seems excessively modest but in fact she tries to reach a kind of perfection. She has an ideal very hight. What returns almost to the claim because she is not satisfied   of being situated in an average. It is not enough for her.

And more there is an important distance between the way the person perceives herself and her ideal, more the person had an important seld-esteem problems. So she can't believe in herself at all.

As for me, for some days, I am a little depressed because of it. I do not trust in myself, I depreciate me in all the domains. I do not manage to believe in me, by myself. I attach too much importance in what people think about me. It is only the other that can make me trust in myself and that's very dangerous.

Since A.left me, I have a great deal of the evil to consider myself positively . The glance of the man which we love is very important. What our friends think about us is also important, but sometimes, we do not want to believe in it because they are our close relations and we think that they are not objective, that they try only to reassure us.

i will continue this text tomorow , i'm too tired